


Dunes

by mehitabel



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, M/M, Manhandling, Missing Scene, Vaguely dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 17:28:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1656569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mehitabel/pseuds/mehitabel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Essentially PWP, um I guess?<br/>"Confessions" missing scene, takes place immediately after "Just tell me you need this!" and the ensuing awkward hug.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dunes

**Author's Note:**

> Comments more than welcome. I wish I had a beta.

A sudden, strong gust of wind kicked sand up into Walt's eyes and billowed Jesse's clothing under his arms, flipped the hood up almost into his face. He slowly loosened his hold on Jesse's limp frame. Gradually, so as not to let him fall, he stepped backwards, towards his car, without fully breaking contact, finger tips on slumped shoulders beckoning his young partner-former partner, to follow.

Jesse balked, mumbled a "No." made to turn away again, flung an arm up with little force. Walt grasped the loose fabric at the shoulders quickly, firmly and tugged a little as he continued to move back.

Without much more resistance he came up against the trunk and leaning against it for support, he pulled Jesse into his space again, their toes bumping and shuffling awkwardly to find footing. Squeezing the narrow shoulders and rubbing down the lanky arms he ducked his head into Jesse's lowered gaze, trying to make eye contact. He inhaled a shaky breath.

"Can't it be both?" He asked.

This got a look, confused, irritated at the vague question but with a shred of curiosity.

"You're right, okay? About part of it anyway. I don't know how you could think that I could ever kill you...but I do need this. The thing is, so do _you_. It's not that I _want_ you gone, I've _never_ wanted you gone…"

Jesse reeled back on his heels a bit, eyes wide and accusatory.

"You are unbelievable." He rasped. "Do you even _bother_ to think about the bullshit that comes out of your mouth anymore?"

"What?!" Walt reared back, blinking rapidly in confusion, thrown off track.

"What!?!" Jesse echoed mockingly. He ran a hand roughly over his face, wiping away dried tears and sand and then slipped into a fairly accurate impersonation of Walt at his most condescending, "Um… let me see…how do I put this? I'm in. You're **out**." he broke character at the end, grinding "out" through clenched teeth.

Walt's jaw dropped a second before it completely came back to him.

"Oh! No-no-no _that_ was _completely_ different! _Don't_ you try to…"

"Bullshit! Again!" Jesse practically screamed in his face.

 

Walt motioned at Saul who'd turned to glance at them, brows racing for his hairline, cell phone to his ear in what was probably a fake call mimed in an attempt to feel less awkward. Jesse gave a dismissive "whatever" wave at him in response but lowered his voice.

 

"You _actually_ believe I don't _know_ perfectly fuckin well the _only_ reason you even brought me in with Fring was just to save shithead Schrader ass? Like I don't _know_ you've been trying to get rid of me since like, day two or three or…shit I don't know-basically whenever I wasn't a goddamn _convenience,_ whenever I wasn't _useful_ \- after-AFTER you fuckin blackmailed me into it in the first place!"

He gasped out a bitter little laugh.

"And now-NOW-after I finally get up the balls to take _myself_ out of the picture-Oh! That's not enough! Now _you_ gotta come around telling _me_ to get the fuck outta town-to fuckin... _disappear_!"

His voice cracked at the end, fresh tears of shear frustration and exhaustion threatening to breach. He swatted at Walt's attempt to pull him in again, succumbed to a firm grip above his elbows.

"It wasn't like that…"

"Bull-!"

"-It _wasn't_!!"

"It wasn't that simple. Jesus - You know what? I wish it _was_! I _wish_ it had been _that_ easy. And don't you DARE go pretending that you didn't have _every_ opportunity to say no in the beginning, it was _you_ who came to _me,_ **_wanting_** to cook more, after - Emilio…Do you _actually_ still believe that I was _ever_ going to turn you in!?! Haven't you figured that out by now…? You don't know me, well enough, by now…?…No-NO you know what? Actually I _did_ want it that way, that's how I _told_ myself it was going to be, in the beginning, just simple, straightforward, business. No unnecessary… _entanglements_ \- but then I…I don't know…I couldn't-okay-I just…couldn't…"

The sudden flash of anger burned away quickly and as he trailed off he was looking sadly at Jesse before his gaze drifted off to the horizon as if he'd had some sudden revelation.  


Jesse looked mystified for a moment then seemed to remember that he was angry, turning away again he muttered derisively, "What does that even _mean_?" mostly to himself as if no explanation was expected.

"Listen, please. Listen!" Walt took Jesse's head between his palms, forced him to face him.

"There really isn't much time. It's true. I can't hold Hank off for long. I've…done things…just to buy a little time, enough to work out some sort of a plan, get my cash hidden and give you a running head start… but it's not going to last and he's just going to be more angry and much more determined. Eventually he _will_ get me and Jesse, _nothing_ will make me hand you over- _nothing, no one_. But as soon as he finds a way, Hank is going to bring the full force of the DEA down, he will not be satisfied until every stone is unturned and there is no way I'll be able to stop him from finding something on you."

He waited, watching to see if the words were sinking in. But he knew that Jesse knew, just didn't want to acknowledge it, wanted, instead, a reason to confront Walt, to defy him, test him once again. Still, the cold reality of the situation seemed to be cooling his anger…

"So? I don't _need_ **_you_** looking out for me. _Never did_."

He'd been staring at their feet. His voice was a low, coarse, growl. Blue eyes rose slowly to meet Walt's. They were wet again, red ringed, dust clinging to tear tracks, but cold and hard.

"Prison, Jesse? That's what we're talking about here. You stay? You turn down this chance? It's inevitable. Guaranteed. Do-You-Understand?"

Jesse sneered and twisted, slipping his head from Walt's hands and snarling when Walt seized him by the front of his sweater, pulling him off balance so that he keeled into him. Walt could feel a cold panic rising up his sternum. He was beyond the spurning sting and all it's intoned implications at this point, he'd come to terms with the finality of Jesse's rejection long ago. It was the very real possibility that Jesse might actually make a sacrifice of himself on the altar of the law just to prove a point. Walt didn't want to get explicit about what Jesse could expect of life behind bars, he knew it would only aggravate the tension and he really didn't care to give those thoughts any more time in his mind. But he was too exhausted for pretenses and time was running short.

"You would risk going to prison for all this, just to _prove_ how much you don't need-don't _want_ -my help? You hate me that much hmmm?" He let just enough sarcasm and irony slip into his voice. Jesse heaved an exasperated sigh then but shot him a glance tinged with embarrassment. He knew perfectly well that it was a moronic argument.

Now that he'd said those words out loud Walt wished there was something more in that glance, some muttered refute of quasi-reassurance.

This _was_ goodbye after all, goodbye forever this time.

"I love you" would certainly never pass between them but "I don't hate you", even muttered under breath, would more than suffice. But Jesse was just staring vacantly past him, over his shoulder into the expanse of desert, like he was simply waiting for the conversation to end.

"Look, I'm… sorry it's gone... like this." Walt forced out. "I never meant for this to be…bad…for you. I wanted this to be…mutually beneficial." He agonized over that last phrasing, fully aware of how absurdly banal it sounded but unable to come up with a better term. He sighed, "I know I can't make up for everything that's gone wrong. This is all I can offer you now and I need you to take it."

Jesse nodded absently. Walt realized his hands were still fisted in the front of his sweater. He let go and smoothed the scrunched knit. Jesse looked down, watching Walt's hands fretting over his chest as he continued talking.

"I talked to Saul and he's interested in buying your house, if you want, he can give you cash up front in exchange for the deed and I'm going to help you out with cash besides so you don't have to leave with nothing-let- _let me help_." He cut off Jesse's groan of protest and clasped him by the shoulders again. "Just promise me you'll do this. I can't live with…and I can't go to my grave with you in prison."

Jesse tilted his head, narrowed his eyes at him. "And what are _you_ going to do?"

Walt dropped his hands, shrugged. "It doesn't really matter for me…once I know that the money's secured for my wife and kids…I'm planning on turning myself in…"

Jesse took a step back, stared at him in disbelief. "The fuck? Seriously?"

"Even if I were up for a fight I couldn't keep doing this… and I'm not. There's no point in delaying it, that would just do more damage... this was never supposed to be indefinite anyway…but I won't have to put up with prison for long, maybe not at all, the trial could easily drag out long enough…"

"So the cancer's back." Jesse said it matter-of-fact, nodding in understanding as his chest began rising and falling faster.

"Conveniently enough." Walt tossed out a raised eyebrow, trying for some humor but it fell flat and he ended on a small frown and a quick nod.

"So this is it then. _This_ is how we go out. I run away to Timbukfuckintu or _wherever_ and…I dunno, make tourist crack outta coconuts and palm fronds or some such shit and you…you just…fuck…fuck you…"

Jesse suddenly brought his arms up tight to his body, put a fist to his lips and bit down on a knuckle, squeezed his eyes shut.

"Not the blaze of glory you envisioned?" Walt said with faint sarcasm and a hint of apology.He held his arms out slightly in request.

To Walt's surprise, Jesse acquiesced immediately, moving in to put his arms up over Walt's shoulders and around his neck, grinding out a harsh "godamnit" as Walt's arms wrapped around his torso, slipping up under the flapping hoodie. Jesse broke into fresh sobs, pounded a fist against Walt's upper back in time with choked curses. Walt nodded, "I know." he said quietly. This was not to be confused with forgiveness or remorse. Jesse took several deep breaths, "I don't … _totally…_ hate you." he whispered, just audibly, over Walt's shoulder, as if he didn't want anyone to hear.

 

…………

 

Sunset was still some time off but the desert air was already beginning to cool in sharpening contrast to the shared body heat. It was suddenly, profoundly quiet.

Over the distant thrum of the highway, the soft chorus of insects and occasional bird calls, their heartbeats seemed deafening in Walt's ears, discordant drums sending vibrations through his ribcage, punctuated by intermittent shuddering exhales and sniffles. He kneaded absentmindedly at Jesse's back, working over and under the raised shoulder blades and down either side of the ridge of his spine, marking each vertebrae, pressing between each rib splaying out from them under lean, tense muscle, dragging slowly out and rubbing steadily back over knotted sinew to the next knobby peak.

The drumbeats gradually syncopated as he stared into the distance, over the curving arcs and rippled banks of pale sand dunes, their mutual isolation from civilized society physically manifest. Focusing as far out as his eyesight would allow, he caught sunlight glinting off window panes of homes nestled far away in the hills. Even at this remote distance it made him feel observed, watched. The world seemed to simultaneously expand into nothingness and contract ominously around them, everything falling away and closing in now.

…………

He felt Jesse shift, turning his head on Walt's shoulder to face into his neck, felt a sweep of wet lashes against his cheek, the tip of his nose and then, just barely, his lips against his neck.

Just, there.

Just touching, moist and parted, humid breath against his skin in a series of deep inhales and soft exhales as his weight settled in.

It was only then, with the slight change in position that Walt realized his hands had travelled all the way down Jesse's back, finger tips slipped just barely below the waistband of his jeans now circling, now rubbing into, the twin dimples that accented each cheek, stroking back and forth over the triangular mound of raised flesh between them, just over his tailbone.

Walt stilled with the realization, suddenly recalling every occasion he'd ever had to glimpse that particular feature of Jesse's anatomy, as if his subconscious had been secreting them away for his memory to flash before him now, like evidence photos whipped smugly from a case file.

The greater shock was that Jesse hadn't bolted, hand't exploded out of his arms and flung himself several yards, spewing epithets like shrapnel. Instead he was resting the full length of his body against Walt, breathing deeply and steadily enough that he just might be asleep.

But he was unmistakably hard.

Walt had stopped breathing momentarily as his hand stilled, he swallowed. As if on cue Jesse tilted his hips a little to push up against his hand, simultaneously grinding slightly against him. Walt didn't move, unsure how to interpret the action. Was it unconscious? Was he rousing himself, about to pull away? He waited.

And waited.

Jesse's skin seemed to be burning his fingertips. Then there was a huff against his neck, soft but impatient, followed by another, more emphatic movement of Jesse's hips and a jolt of arousal shot through Walt with alarming force, pulling the muscles of his lower abdomen taught as it made straight for his groin. He dug his fingers in involuntarily and felt Jesse's grip tighten in response, pulling at the neckline of his jacket and shirt, clawing into skin. Before he could register his own swift movements Walt had wrapped one arm tightly around the slim waist, pushing up under layers of clothing, pulling Jesse up on his toes slightly and clamping him in place, Jesse's breath hitching as Walt's other hand shoved forcefully down past the belt, denim burning the skin on the back of his hand.

He found himself standing there, stunned, with a bruising grip on a perfect handful of ass cheek.

Jesse was panting slightly against Walt's neck, he paused to press his lips there for two searing seconds that sent shivers up and down Walt's spine and released with a soft groaning sigh, soaked with confusion and frustration.

It was distressing, Walt realized, attempting to interpret, through tiny movements and sounds alone, where Jesse's head was at right now, but words were impossible and the idea of breaking this embrace and actually looking him in the eye was terrifying. He pictured those eyes, wide and, like his own, blinking at the landscape bewilderedly.

Where was his own head at? Where had _this_ come from? Had it been there all along, hiding under every rationalization, his mind too cluttered with lies and denial to recognize it? What _was_ this?

Jesse began rolling his hips, what little he could. Tiny, almost imperceptible thrusts, nearly immobilized as he was by Walt's grip, but Walt knew his own throbbing erection had to be obvious, they were nearly grinding into each other.

"Oh god…" escaped him in a gasp as a dark surge of desire announced itself like something accidentally conjured, awakened. It seamed to bloom outwards from where they stood like smoke, enveloping their surroundings in a haze.

He caressed the edge of his hand into the cleft, feeling the heat there and stroked his thumb hard into the soft outer flesh, massaging deep to the bone.

Jesse's mouth opened against his neck, a scrape of sharp teeth, then swipe of hot tongue, leaving a burning stripe that chilled quickly in the breeze.

Then he spoke and his voice seemed almost disembodied, the tone and words strangely incongruous with his physical presence.

"You wanna...tell Saul to take off…catch up later?"

Oh shit! Saul!

Walt had completely forgotten about him. He peered over the top of Jesse's head and was startled for a second to not see Saul, before spotting him sitting in his car, seat reclined, apparently napping. How long had he been like that though? How much had he seen? How much cover could Jesse's oversize clothing have afforded him?

Oh fuck it, he thought. Rubbing his jaw against the velveteen fuzz on Jesse's head.

…Could he get Saul's attention if he tried? Wave him on to leave them there alone? The idea was staggering.

More troubling was something about Jesse's wording that made him re-play it in his mind.

You wanna…?

Do you wanna…

Do _You_ want to.

Something had been off about his tone too.

It wasn't a request. It wasn't even an invitation so much as a…resignation, a surrender.

With that, a barrage of lurid images, invaded his mind, rapid fire and jumbled, blurry and sharp focus, imagined now, not remembered.

Whirling Jesse around roughly as Saul's trailing dust cloud disappeared down the road, holding him, back to chest, running a hard hand down the length of his front to grasp him firmly through his jeans, peeling away the layers on top, pulling them over his head, leaving the sleeves to bind him, yanking open the button-fly, shoving boxers and denim down over narrow hips, letting them fall to hobble his ankles.

Exposing him to the open air and sun, displaying him, like a trophy, to the vast emptiness and the universe at large.

Kissing, nipping, down the line of taught, offered throat, head fallen back on his shoulder, needs and wants whimpered into his ear as he played his hands, working with expert precision over the lean, twitching muscles, smooth skin now warmed, now chilled and goose-bumped in the wake, nipples painfully hard, flat stomach shuddering and tensing, cock straining and leaking for denied, delayed, feather light strokes.

Taking Jesse's mouth in a deep, desperate kiss as he finally pumped him hard, relentlessly, hips bucking in wild abandon as he shot out, catching it in his hand to slick himself up, then pushing him over, finger tips scraping at the sand for purchase, gripping jutting hipbones like handle bars, thrusting hard enough to lift him onto his toes as he completed his conquest, cries and moans echoing into the void.

Gathering him up, trembling, pliant, soothing, spiriting him away, far away to a secret, sheltered place, leaving this behind, leaving it all behind, leaving… _them_ …all behind.

Walt's eyes snapped wide open to blinding rays. He hadn't realized they were closed.

Ever so slowly, he withdrew his hands from Jesse's clothing. Jesse had sensed the shift instantly and was already pulling away, swaying on his feet a little and blinking like he was coming out of a stupor. Walt placed his hands tentatively at his waist, then his hips, then his shoulders, arms, as if he were trying to piece him back together.

"We have to go." Walt said. Jesse was avoiding his eyes. He laid his hands along Jesse's neck and the base of his skull, cupping the fine jaw in his palms, thumbs running over his cheekbones.

" _You_ have to go. Now. Run. Really run this time, as far and as fast as you can and don't ever, _ever_ look back."

"Okay." Jesse said flatly, he met Walt's eyes for split second and it was obvious he was already gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
